My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
