I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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