i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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