My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
