I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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