first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i think my tv is drunk
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
