My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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