I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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