I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
