i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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