i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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