apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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