I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
