I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
