me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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