So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
