I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
