Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
