My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
