I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
