Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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