I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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