I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
