Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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