I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
