...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I checked into jail on foursquare
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
