Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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