The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I am spending my child support on dildos
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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