Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
