All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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