Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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