Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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