i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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