im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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