i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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