Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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