4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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