dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
