paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
