On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Randomize
