I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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