Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
