I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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