I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
