We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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