I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
