Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
