Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
