The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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