Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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