Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
